| Thoughts and Feelings |
[Dec. 31st, 2008|05:05 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
Well, I've successfully wasted the past hour and a half or more, so writing this post feels slightly strange now. First, let me say, it's been a whole year, as in exactly to the day since I last posted, which is somewhat freaky as it's completely unintentional - however I do realise that the reason for the post is the same as last year's (though nothing to do with anything obviously year-ticking-over-related) so it's not surprising!
I am the sort of person who is almost always on the go in some form or other, and even when doing things that require little effort there is usually something else going on - when driving, as I seem to spend a lot of time doing, you do need to concentrate somewhat, and at slow work shifts (or any other slack period in my life!) I can often knock over large chunks of YSA paperwork. It was a bit strange tonight therefore to be driven down the coast to my gig (I bumped out Le Grande Cirque at the GCCEC, pretty big bumpout but not terribly nasty thank goodness) by my wonderful boss who often drives a mini-bus when there are a bunch of Brisbaneites going - I have just never had the opportunity to take up the offer before. I had a whole hour there and back again with nothing but my thouhgts, and crowding my brain out of peace they are at the moment too. Lordee, I wish Han hadn't left town again yet.
Anyway, I was dropped home from the gig at about 3.30am and after walking up the hill home decided that I was feeling rather restless. Although I am very much an outdoors person and a complete night owl it feels like forever since I've just left the house and lay down in the road looking at the stars. I had realised but not to the full extent just what a perfect position our current house is in, at the top of the hill behind Milton Primary looking out over the City and south towards Logan - you can see an impressively long way! Last night my brain was comparing the view to that from Mt Coot-tha, except that you're not so removed from everything, you actually get the distant traffic and other night-time noises. There are also more stars than expected, I guess because although you are looking down over civilisation and the hub of the city you are far enough removed from it that the stars come through that bit more. It occurred to me how much things have changed over the past few years (as I also had pointed out to me when cleaning out my childhood bedroom at my parents' house over Christmas, I found many an interesting letter in an old desk!) and how little 'time' I have these days. I'm sure I often used to wander outside at night, with company or by myself, to look at the sky or just wander aimlessly in the comfortable, enveloping darkness.
Anyway, now I'm drifting and losing the original intention to this writing and the point behind it - I'm assuming that there was a point when I started. I basically was sitting out there under the stars, alone with my thoughts, and it occurred to me that i wanted to write them down. I'm wondering why that is, since I was only thinking recently about the fact that I haven't kept a paper diary since I broke up with Toby, just over 4 years ago now. I only ever took up LJ as a way to keep in contact with people, and always was very bad at the writing part (that pretty much died after I broke up with Toby) - I read it regularly still, don't worry! I just don't feel the need, I don't have random urges to empty my head onto paper anymore. My head is no longer full of uncomfortable buzzes that I need to evict. Except today. Or I should say this week, but today particularly.
Arrgh, fuck. I don't know why I even let it get to me. Just... You know how some people are like an itch that just needs to be scratched? You know you really shouldn't, you know what the end result will be, but it just feels so damn GOOD, and as long as you scratch around the bite and not the bite itself it should be ok... Sorry, I'm not making any sense to anyone. I'm happy, damnit, there's no need to go fucking with it for nothing. So why? Human nature, I suppose. In that case, I wish I wasn't. Just for now. Damnit. I'm gonna go force myself to sleep for a bit, I'm feeling very nonsensible. Thanks for viewing, please come again! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|07:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | at home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Staind - It's Been A While | ] |
Man, I totally thought I was over all that 'high school' love shit. Like, years ago. I'm happy with Will, as in I'm not just happy but I've never really been unhappy ever! Where the fuck does someone get off charging in, knocking me for six, then disappearing into the ether again, while they themselves are married? What the fuck! I am almost as angry as I am terrified, and wanting. so. badly. Fuck you, and your sexy smile too. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2007|03:45 pm] |
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Hi everyone! I use this journal for the oddest reasons when I do.. I've probably left it too late but I just thought since I'm in NZ I'd try to catch up with Shell, however I know she's not online much and I don't have any contact details for her.. I don't suppose anybody can help me out here? If you've got a number for her please SMS it to +61408797837 Ta! :) |
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| An advertisement |
[Nov. 1st, 2006|06:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Creed | ] |
It's very boring of me never to post I know, but I do use LJ to keep up with all of you, read about what's going on in your lives since I never seem to see anyone these days.
It's even sadder that the reason behind the post that breaks the silence is me trying to get rid of three U2 tickets for Adelaide... any takers? I'm not having much luck with ebay, it sucks in fact!
Anyway, if you want them or know anyone who might, 0408 797 837. Or if you just wanna catch up, I'm up for some of that too! |
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| Priorities (and a lack thereof) |
[Mar. 21st, 2005|04:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | JJJ | ] |
Disclaimer: I really enjoy being treasurer, and playing with the accounts, but SHIT why did I leave myself less than three weeks to get an audit done?!?! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|06:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Triple J 5? | ] |
Tax sucks. Audits suck. Wading through and writing receipts sucks. Money is currently evil - even discounting the fact that I am in debt *pout* |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2005|07:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | alicia keys - songs in A minor | ] |
Throwing stuff out is cathartic :)
I've done four garbage bags so far! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|09:20 pm] |
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DAMNIT! I thought I remembered it being so, but almost didn't want to check for fear of being disappointed.. damnit, at $25 I could even have afforded to go *pout* Shihad are playing in Bris *twice* while I'm in Sydney, and in Sydney after I get back *more pouts* |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|04:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fun Lovin' Criminals - 100% Columbian | ] |
Apologies, if this actually gets posted publicly - I haven't decided yet, as I'm really not sure if I want other people involved in this part of my headspace. This is going to be very disjointed, a random accuulation of thoughts I've had recently, some of which have seen me pull the car over in order to scrabble around for writing materials just so I can get rid of the thoughts somewhat cohesively and concentrate on making it home.
******
People tend to see me as a very strong person. No strong-willed, or dominant, but an inner strength. I laugh at the idea, though I guess it probably is true in some respects. I guess to everyone else I tried to make a go of it, I gave my all to keep it working against all odds. I always thought though, if I really was as strong as people thought, why didn't I walk out? To my way of thinking it was taking the easy way out to just sit there in the situation I was in and not extricate myself, when even I could see that it was a bad place for me to be. I tried once or twice, or half a dozen times, but could never stay away. Weakness. Pathetic, weak, obsessed little girl. Whether it was love at some stage or not, or still is somehow, it consistently amazes me that I didn't or couldn't crawl away sooner. I hated the person that I became while I was with him, how could I have possibly put up with it, hating variously him and myself for so long. I never really hated any of the others involved, as much as it hurt to see or be otherwise reminded of them.
******
I'm sure he doesn't realise how fragile I am. If this relationship does anything but fall apart naturally, I will be ruined. I'm sure I'll never be able to even look at another and seriouslly consider anything. I already have severe trust issues. I'm not sure what I expected, throwing myself in like I have done. I'm certainly not sure that I expected it to turn into the deep, intense, passionate relationship that it's become. I'm not sure if it's wonderful, which don't get me wrong it most certainly is, or if it scares me more. I just don't know. I think I love him already though, and that does scare me a bit.
******
Looking back I'm not sure I know what the hell happened with the Toby thing, in almost any repect. It's funny, for someone that I loved as much as I did, I never could say anything that I actually liked about him. People would ask me, and I wouldn't know what to say. With Will, I love so many individual characteristics, it's incredible.. What does that mean? Does it mean anything? |
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| People are Cunts |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|07:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ...and the rest! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Christina Aguilera - Fighter | ] |
That is all.
Aside from...
Fuckit.
Disclaimer: rant type post. Nothing to worry about.
Fuckers! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2004|11:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Beastie Boys | ] |
Feels like ages since I last posted, even though in reality a lot less time has passed than would usually - I kinda like this regular posting thing! Not that I've missed it really, I've been having too much of a good time, followed by too many ups and downs.
A fantastic time was had in Auckland, I met a shitload of people (who ever said that relationships in the industry weren't good for career prospects?! ;) and had a blast. Got to know Will a lot betetr too, much time spent talking, was great. And he's strangely interested in TSSE, which is weird after spending so long with T paying me out about my involvement with YSA all the time. It was great too forget about home, about the shit with T, about work and about TSSE, to have the phone off for five days, and not worry about anything but having fun and a blossoming relationship.
The shit hasn't stopped since I got back though, it's almost as if someone's trying to tell me I shouldn't have gone away. I'm holding tightly to the memory of the holiday though, I don't want to lose it and the slight sense of peace it brings when I think back. I had a massive fight with my Mum, hence didn't come *home* from the holiday until this arvo after getting back on Sunday. I *really* shoudn't have put T and Will together for a forty minute car trip, not so sson anyway. Oh lordy. It wasn't a nightmare but it wasn't the most comfortable thing ever, by far. Oh well. They have met now, and I can forget about it for a while. My computer's fucked, and the one at home not much better. And TSSE's a little messier than I had expected/hoped.
But oh well. That's my frame of mind for you atm. I'm sure I'll pop back into a positive soon enough, and things will look up :) I just need to clear some headspace, and dive into TSSE for a few days to get it up to speed, then shift focus back to career for a few weeks at least before the next major TSSE step. Fuckit it never ends. Over and out, that's it I can't keep rambling like this.
Ps - Don't forget Friday night. Plough Inn, Southbank, 7pmish. be there or be square! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|03:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dixie Chicks - Home | ] |
Stolen from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) tripoverthings
1. Tell me one thing you love about me.
2. Tell me two things you love about yourself.
3. Look through the comments ~ when you see someone you know, tell them three things you love about them.
4. Do this in your journal so I can tell you what I love about YOU - and if you've already done it, tell me so, so that I can go back and give you some love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2004|11:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | No Doubt - Return of Saturn | ] |
It's funny the way things just pop into your head sometimes. I was just in the bathroom, filing my nails (so sue me, I'm allowed to be a girl sometimes!) when I realised that I need to give up wanting to do everything, to be everything. It's not physically possible in the first place, and oftentimes it's just not meant to be, some people just aren't cut out for certain things.
I know this is of absolutely no relevance to just about anyone, as I don't think there are any theatre-types on my flist, but I just had to release the thought somewhere. I never was cut out to be a theatrical stage manager. It should not have taken a (failed) secondment to realise the fact. All I've achieved by entering into that debacle was to fuck a possible career path for myself and possibly others from my particular institution. Congrats, girl. Be proud. *sigh* I dunno. One career path down, I guess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2004|11:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tori Amos - to venus and back | ] |
So yeah, one of those few-and-far-between entries again huh. Got to remind you all somehow I'm still alive!
So, in latest news, I look like a chipmunk (just had all four wisdom teeth removed), I've taken a few weeks off work for (a) wisdom teeth recovery (b) TSSE work and (c) I'm going to NZ with the new boy-ish for five days, so yay, a holiday at long last! Will post more later, I was all in the mood but my pain killers are kicking in nicely (and quickly!) so I'm gonna crash :)
Night all! |
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| I know now |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|04:55 pm] |
I want out.
I've made the decision, at long last - as I suppose I (and everyone else aparantly) always knew that I would eventually. I've known for some time now that there has not really been a reason for me to remain in, however have never really had motivation to escape. Now my problem is the act of extricatig myself - I have tried before, numerous times, and quite obviously failed miserably. I know that I have slightly more motivation this time, however I still quail at the thought of the act, and doubt my ability.
Shit Flick, think quick. The phone call will come very soon, and you want to be prepared. |
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| Mmm, festival-land! |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|10:27 pm] |
So.. how's stuff?
I'm shagged, but in the best possible way. I am having so much fun on this festival, the fact that Michael's a dickhead and I'm basically running around bahind him fixing all of his massive fuckups (good thing he's gone to Sydney for a few days, I might actually get a chance to catch up!) A lot of the crews I've been working with are fantastic, and aparantly I'm doing great, which I hope reflects itself in my future job prospects :)
I think I finally made everyone happy by home-time - they even decided to pack up and leave an hour early, so things are actually going quite well, considering. I bought almost a whole roll of some pretty black static rope and pulleys today.. anyone want a present after the festival's over? ;)
The best news of the day is, I'm heading home as soon as I finish my post, to sleep on my own pillow for the first time since last Tuesday night. That's three nights in the theatre and two at Toby's (he very conveniently lives much closer to the city for those nights where I need to get away from the theatre but couldn't be fucked driving to Ipswich), and I really do miss sleeping in my own bed. Tell you what I'm going to miss after the festival's over, aside from the convenient crash space that is my office (we have the comfiest futons in our green room!), is my ute.. *sniffle*.. don't wanna give it back, you can't make me!
God, I'm going crazy, I need to take a day off. Funny that, they are trying to make me do just that, but I can't until the show's in and up properly, so Friday maybe. If I'm lucky. We'll see - that's opening night, so I'd have to come in anyway, not much of a day off.
Anyways, bloody tired, and I don't wanna fall asleep on the way home, so I'm gonna head. Catch y'all! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2004|10:00 pm] |
o name: Felicity, or Flick
o age: 20
o where on earth do you live: Oz
o reason behind your LJ username: I have a shirt that says Flick My Switch. I found it in London, and I bought it because it had my name on it! (Secondarily I work in theatre as a lighting technician so it sorta fit)
o five things you want to do/accomplish before you die: Travel Central America, live in the UK for a while (Ireland/London), work in Melbourne, work festivals, and tour for an extended period of time; live in the middle of nowhere with rolling green hills and snow in winter with a vegie garden and a dog, go caving and/or diving regularly
o what makes you happy: being happy. Nothing seems to spark it, I just seem to have mood swings. I love days where I wake up 'up'.
o what have you been listening to lately: I just put togther a car cd collection this morning. Faith No More, Metallica, Massiva Attack, Blues Bros, Hunters n Collectors, a couple of mix cd's from shows I've worked on, Cherry Poppin' Daddies, etc etc.
o do you enjoy reading my LJ: yep
o if so, why: don't know really! you're interesting.. and I keep thinking one day I'll meet you.
o interesting fact about you: I really wish I could just walk away.
o are you in love at the moment: I was. I still love him. I'm just not so sure I'm in love anymore.
o favorite destination: Hrm. Um. I used to really love going out to Preston Lookout.
o favorite quote: I don't know. There's a lot of very apt ones out there
o will you post this in your LJ: yeah
recommend.
o a movie (that amazes you - a beautiful movie):
o a book (that inspires you, and one you couldn't put down): I can't remember what it as called, but the main character was Adeline Yen Mah. It was autobiographical. Also one by Bryce Courtenay about his son, Damon.
o a musical artist, song, or album: Oh, love lots. Whitlams' Eternal Nightcap, Metallica's S&M, Incubus morning view, Dido No Angel, lotsa stuff
o your favorite LJ user (not on my list already): Skrymir was the reason I first got started on LJ. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|11:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
Wow, it's been over two months. That's worse than shocking. At least I read!
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|01:51 am] |
Ooh... So in case you couldn't already tell I've been taken over by the shiny sexy things monster tonight. Moi Mmm :) (Get outta my head Alex!)
I also have a problem.. I've actually had enough shifts recently that I seem to be ahead in the $$ stakes (she swoons @ the shock of it all!), and all I wanna do is spend it (prolly doesn't help that I've got daddy's credit card atm cos there were a few things I *had* to pay for online.. shh! I'm *going* to pay him back, I swear!). Anyway, I kinda have the urge to go to see the Offspring, which would've been cool, and something to look forward to.. then I got a shock because I found out it's this Sat night.. *shakes head* enough blather.. all I really wanna know is, do I actually want to go, or do I just think I might? TELL ME!
BTW today sucked, because I'm stupid.. I had to drive to the x-ray clinic and home again three times because I kept forgetting things.. I left my medicare and health care cards behind the first time, and when I picked them up I managed to leave the referral at home.. d'oh! So I managed to waste half a day driving around in a haze of stupidity (and this is after the visits to the vet and the dentist *rolls eyes*), gah @ me. Well, the good news is that I need all four of my wisdom teeth removed *tears* (The xray looks really cool though, one of them is growing in sideways!) I'm on antibiotics now too, so drinkies = bad or something?! Whatever, I say!
I want to buy Tripd albums now. I've gone from listening to them live every night (OMG yes) and singing them to myself all day as well, to going into mucho withdrawels, it's not good! I think I have to go shopping this weekend before I piss off for the week, I'm highly unlikely to find anywhere much to buy them (cheap) in HB *rolls eyes* You know they don't even have a Myers or anything? Not that I'm complaining, I love the laid-back-ness, but oi. I'm just gonna shut up. Tell me if I wanna go to the Offspring, is all. Night :) |
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